Lord of the Rings: Legolas' Quest
by The Quaag
Summary: Middle Earth has found out about FanFiction, and intends on stopping it. Crack, and lots of it! Makes fun of a lot of things, and has/makes fun of Mary Sues! I guarentee you'll get a laugh out of it. :)


**A/N: Hey, it's the Quaag! I just wanted to let anyone wondering know that this is meant to be a parody, and it's supposed to make fun of stuff. In any case, I own nothing. Please, enjoy, and no flamers!**

_They say that there is a horror known to Middle Earth unlike any other, that even has the strength to cause Sauron to quiver in fear. This horror, they say, is called by one name, and one name alone: FanFiction. They say that it can cause good to turn evil, evil to good, and absolutely hated enemies into fiery lovers. This evil is held by a single nation, in which there are four main tribes (and a small minority of tribes not mentioned). The main tribes, the Flamahs, the Trolls, the Fangirlz, and the Suethors all fight over the control of the power of the Fanfiction. They say that the Suethors, being the most numerous, had gained control of the FanFiction and kept it in their keep in a territory far to the north of Middle Earth, in the snow-capped mountainous regions. The current ruler of the Suethors (for there have been more before her), an evil queen of such a young age that it's unreasonable, bears a nickname no one else dares to use for fear of termination by her: The Quaag. It is said that she merrily manipulates all the creatures of Middle Earth using the FanFiction, and it is even said that not long after she gained rule, the Suethors came to the knowledge of how to create a creature unbelievable in every aspect: the Mary Sue. Its perfection undeniable, its beauty uncompromised, all sought out its presence to claim its head. But none gained victory, instead falling prey to its power. None now are left to tell the tale, but still today the legend is heard throughout Elven and Mortal cities. Some still today seek out the mistress and her queen, but they have yet to return. And yet, somehow the terror and power of the FanFiction reigns down upon Middle Earth, causing uproars and other horrible things of the like. Thus, Lord Elrond of Rivendell made the decision to hold a secret council to send a group of warriors from all the different lands of Middle Earth to find and slay this evil. And it is here that our story begins…_

Elrond looked out into each of his guest's eyes as he explained their situation. He silently willed all of them to heed his words. As he finished, he looked to each of their faces; Gandalf Greyhame, Frodo Baggins, Legolas Greenleaf, Master Gimili, Master Boromir, Arwen, and others. All of them played a significant part in defeating this evil, but he did not yet know which ones the FanFiction would end up choosing for his cause. He had no control over what was happening, and none of the others did, either. _So this must be what the FanFiction had wanted for us all along: to send a party of our best fighters to the land in the north on the ice to their doom to weaken us. _Elrond thought bitterly. _But we still have no control over our actions regarding their power._

Elrond snapped back into reality when Boromir stood up, pacing and looking at each individual member of the council.

"Well, why not _use_ the FanFiction? Why not use it instead of destroy it? I mean, it could stop all wars, even possibly take down Sauron! We should harness the powers of the Fanfiction!" The greed in his eyes was leaking out of his head. The other elves of the council looked disgusted with the notion.

"We cannot use it, so get the thought out of your greedy little head." Aragorn's familiar voice sounded throughout the chamber.

"Who said that we could not find a way to harness its powers?"

"Well, um… We cannot use it." Aragorn was turning red with embarrassment.

"And what, pray tell, would an ordinary _ranger_ know of matters that deal beyond your mountains and tracking?" Boromir's words cut deeply into Aragorn, and he would have commit suicide right there if it had not been for Legolas' bold movements.

"Do you know who this is? This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn! You have no right to be talking to your _king_ that way, you son of a stewart!"

"Legolas, havo dad." Aragorn still managed to play it off cooly for the audience. The blond elf sat down, and the Gondorian cast Aragorn a bitter look and muttered, mostly to himself, "Gondor needs no king…"

"We must retrieve the Fanfiction and destroy it. But we do not quite know how to yet, because we do not know how it works, or what it is. But you must find it. The legend tells of a land far to the north, up past the Icebay of Forchel. This mysterious land is called Dlöcyllaérsti by many." Elrond said.

"So wait, you're meaning to tell me that we are searching for a mere legend, with no idea if it is really there, and just going on a hunch here that it may or may not exist in a desolate ice field in a land called 'it's really cold' backwards, and we could all die, just because of a hunch you've got?" Gimili was (sadly) the voice of reason in this case.

"Well, there is one reason we know for sure that there is a Fanfiction, and that the Suethors have it and are using its powers."

"Oh, and just how is that."

"We have gained one of their 'Mary Sues', as they are called." There were many gaping mouths, and Elrond signaled them to bring it in.

They wheeled out an extremely beautiful elf maiden, with striking pointed ears to prove a point. She had long, fiery scarlet hair that was wavy and down to her butt. She was gagged for their safety, because it was known how influential Mary Sues could be, but her eyes were a beautiful Technicolor, with a majority of greens and blues. She had a defined waist, and a voluptuous amount of cleavage (which most of it was showing, causing many mouths to water). Her arms were slim, and her feet petite. She was basically the picture of perfection. There was not a single flaw on her.

"This is the reason we are going to find and destroy Fanfiction. These Mary Sues can cause us to do stupid things, and will use us to their advantage. This one does not seem to be as wild as the others we have heard of, but we still must be wary of her. She has agreed to take a group of warriors to Dlöcyllaérsti, but will not help any further. Any volunte-"

Gandalf, Frodo, Sam (where did he come from?), Pippin (where?), Merry (tell me where!), Gimili, Boromir, Aragorn, and Legolas all immediately jumped up and decided that they were to go to this land and slay The Quaag.


End file.
